James Bailey header image 1

Every 823 years, a moron stops to think before forwarding a chain letter

July 20th, 2011 · No Comments · Blog

There are a number of reasons I hate chain e-mails, chief among them the sheer stupidity of both the message and the messenger who forwarded it. I maintain a strict delete policy, which I only violate if I feel like ridiculing the sender.

This morning at work I received a chain e-mail so asinine I actually wonder if its original creator wrote it simply to see how many morons would forward it. This is what it said:

 Money bags

This year, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays. This happens Once every 823 years. This is called money bags. So, forward this to Your friends and money will arrive within 4 days. Based on Chinese Feng Shui. The one who does not forward……will be without money.

Interesting – read on!!!

This year we’re going to experience four unusual dates.

1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 and that’s not all…

Take the last two digits of the year in which you were born – now add The age you will be this year, The results will be 111 for everyone in whole world. This is the year of The Money!!!

How stupid is this? Let me count the ways:

1. How could a routine combination of days of the month line up only once every 823 years? Any year in which July 1 falls on a Friday is going to have five Fridays, five Saturdays, and five Sundays in July. And the odds of July 1 falling on a Friday? By my calculations they’re about 1 in 7, because there are only seven days in a week. In fact, the last time we saw this ultra-rare phenomenon was in 2005, which because of the leap year in 2008 was only six years ago. Not 823. So much for “money bags.” More like “douche bags.”

2. Feng shui deals with the layout of buildings, and possibly furniture if you’re gullible enough to buy a book about arranging your rooms in accordance with the ancient Chinese secrets of qi. It has nothing to do with monetary rewards for forwarding e-mail.

3. I took the last two digits of the year I was born and added my age, and wow, it was 111. Amazing. It works “for everyone in the whole world.” Except for anyone born in the last 11 years, which makes up a significant chunk of the world’s population. The sum of birth year plus age for anyone born since 2000: 11. Wow, Feng shui, man. That’s still really cool.

4. I fucking hate it when people use too many exclamation points!!! It identifies them as a dolt. Exclamation points: Limit 1 per customer, dumbass!

My prediction: Anyone who forwarded that e-mail won’t come into much money in the next four days, unless they happen to stumble across a dime on the sidewalk as they wait for the bus to take them back to the group home. (They will, however, come into a healthy dose of derision, which, sadly, will not deter them from forwarding future e-mails.)

If you, too, loathe these serial forwarders, e-mail a link to this column to all of your friends. I can’t promise happiness, but you will receive a pot of gold on your front porch within four days.

Tags:

No Comments so far ↓

Like gas stations in rural Texas after 10 pm, comments are closed.